Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Life? where how when?

All my life, I have felt like I have been here before, and I have searched for what my purpose has been, why my suffering has continued, why it took place, why I have had to be alone. I, I, I. I no longer feel that alone, I do not feel like my suffering has been in vain, and I now know what my purpose is. Well, kind of. 

Recently an article in the Huffington Post in the USA was written about me. As a result, a young man in Australia found the courage to come out to everyone on Facebook. He's labelled me as someone inspirational. Then 24 hours later, another young man here in Manchester contacted me on Facebook to say that the piece I wrote in my column made him feel less alone. As I am PVTE about who's on my Facebook, I added him, pondering my decision. He messaged me to say thank you, and from his perspective, just knowing I was a message away gave him a peace of mind.

I, for once in my life, feel like I have a purpose. My mom always said that I had to be careful with my energy, as when I'm happy, everyone else is happy, and I would have to channel that to something greater than myself, and she's right. But as much I will do my best to carry on, I sometimes run into a wall, where my own emotions struggle – hey, I am human after all. Where do I find the inner strength to go forward? 

I am human, and I need affection and love to move forward. I am a gay man, with the emotional (and I believe biological) brain of both a woman and a man. I am a caring, nurturing soul, and therefore I require that back in return, and I'm slowly getting that.

My purpose in life is no longer small, and I will make sure it is not, as I am no good to anyone if I play stupid and insignificant. I'm slowly beginning to understand how to read life in a good way. You have to give in, and loosen up on control, in order to receive the beauty that might unfold. 

Listen, I know all too well that life's a bitch, but she's good to us when we least expect it. Now what of that? ( least expect it, could be expected more, without the least part? ) Wouldn't you want to live a bit more then?

I didn't want to write today! I find it hard, and I'm not physically well, but look, I feel good doing it. I feel like I don't want to eat that Crunchie bar sitting in my bedroom dresser drawer. I want to go to the gym, and I want to post this now so I can have a crumpet with butter instead! I'm not PERFECT! 

Tum tum wants food! Night xxx

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