Tuesday, 3 June 2014
Let just say that I wrote out this and lost it all, one hour of perfection lost, and I'm sitting in a cafe crying about it!
The irony is, I was writing about making memories, and it was all a memory what I just wrote out! You have to laugh at these things don't you. So, how do I restart what I was saying? Well I guess you restart by saying this. It's my birthday week, and I don't think I've ever appreciated my life as much as I do now, or ever almost didn't make it to write this. I remembered this weekend, my purpose, and element about my personal personality that makes me, me. Something I lost along the way last year and so glad I found it again.
Everyone has their own little thing, that they do throughout his or her own life that makes them happy. It could be going to the pub with friends, star gazing, walking along the beach, window shopping, setting ants on fire with a microfine glass, so cool but yet so crewl. Hey I was eight, don't judge! Mine is making moments so I can remember them, it's not as easy as you think, well maybe it is, as I can use what happened as an example! Sitting in a cafe slowly piecing together my thoughts, writing it out and only to delete it after an hour of work! And laughing about it to a stranger next to me, it's the irony of it, that's what makes memories! That is what I forgot that I like to do, and that brings me back to why I feel so connected to my past right now, my mother says history repeats itself.
Right now it is for me, I've not been or felt like this since I was 20 years old. I lived on my own in shepherds bush, worked for bidup tv and for one year, I didn't have friends, I knew people but I lost all my connection with everyone. I felt lonely but I felt, or should have felt powerful!
I was working hard, exercised more, did my own thing, came home at what ever hour, never late for work, worked hard also, and should have appreciated the time of my life! I was single, as I am now, and in a similar situation. While sitting out in a canal street in Manchester, my day unfolded unexpectately, an old friend from London I was with, and strangers brought together in the sun, moving around the city with delight, laughing all the way through, and I realised that I made a moment, a memory that was like a past feeling, something that I've always said which was " When I die and close my eyes, I think back to all these memories I made and smile " it's why don't look at scary looking people, I don't want my brain to show me that thing in my last seconds of my life.
So, I'm single, struggling still, but I adore it, because this time 14 years ago, I thought it was bad and I was depressed, when I should be right now, and I could just say to my younger self, " snap out of it you fucking bitch! You don't know what depressed is, so appreciate what you have right now! "
Life's a beautiful struggle, and we have to smile! We have to remember what our past was, cos if your reading this right now, find the hope inside of you and say it's better now than it was. Cos if I don't, then if fear my last moments on this earth will be of regret, and yes I've not done all I wanted to do. But it's what I've done right now that matters, even if it's sitting here writing this to you! It's a moment I did something for myself, and I'm smiling. So shut the fuck up, look up and see what's around you, and appreciate.
Now I'm listening to " Shake It Out " by Florence + The Machine really suits writing all this.