Still dealing with it!

Still ‘Dealing with It!’

Well ladies and gentleman, after a long anticipated wait I am back!

Let me first say, when your mom or dad says a lot can happen to you in a month, trust those very words, because a month can go by so fast or it can be the longest and most interesting time of your life. Who for 1000 points would like to guess which direction mine went?

Yes to the gentleman in the corner, you are right it was! It was thelongest and most exciting month of my life, But! Not without some issues. So let’s elaborate!

I’m re-publishing one of my earlier articles ‘Deal with it!’ The reason being that this article actually saved someone’s life while they were in the waiting room of a sexual health clinic after beingtold they were HIV positive. The guy was planning on killing himself when he looked down at a magazine on a coffee table and saw my page, apparently my words deterred his plot and he went out of his way to thank me.  So why is this article important to me? Well this last month it was the 10 year anniversary of mefinding out I was HIV+ve on August 17th 2004.

No, I didn’t have a good time with it, because it’s still sentimentally a hard time for me. When your boyfriend isn’t there in the morning next to you after telling you the previous day  that he is HIV+ve and from that day on not one partner or boyfriend was there to support you things get hard (and not in a sexy way).  

The human brain remembers significant events which are triggered by numerous things,

smell, sight, touch, hearing, and even dates.  Believe it or not since I wrote that article every year I realise this and I tend to fall apart around this time.  I get depressed, If I’m not working I amself-destructive, I miss my family I cannot explain it, it’s just there. A reminder that my life although it’s not that bad it still is a struggle. I don’t have that guy to cuddle, to wake up to and say“hey babes, I’m here for you”  and to be honest, sometimes there is a good reason he hasn’t been. So for those of you that do have someone special don’t take him or her for granted! You are muchenvied and you have a luxury that many of us don’t have!

So with my slow self -destruction on its way I braced myself, andsaid to myself like I always do, “ The universe will give me a reason to write soon enough. “ You know what? He, she, it, them, the powers that be or just by mere coincidence it all fell into my lap!

I have lived with this virus for 10 years, and when I read back my own words it brings comfort to me now. I wrote “you will never be the same person, and you will find the reason to go on, and if you ACCEPT that, you have changed “and the part where I mention you will never be the same person again, is true.

I still wish my boyfriend was here next to me in the morning, I wish he was still alive today. I wonder how my life would have been if I did have support and a cuddle from whom ever around my anniversary day. I know I’m sentimental but as I had my break down I took control but not in a good way started spiralling down and down, drugs awoke the infatuation for the ever so endless desire for sex. Self- harm was on my mind and all I wanted was a purpose, why am I still here? Why do I write all this in the hope that it will help others when I don’t have someone there for me?

And then it hit me. One morning when I was recovering I receiveda text from a young guy who I had previously I met and spent time with for his birthday, he was alone, so it was the nice thing to do.We never met again. He messaged me asking for narcotics, not the delightful party ones, and coming from an individual like him itwas quite shocking. To cut a long story short, this young guy hadcontracted HIV, was crying out for help in a new town, he felt lonely, why had this happened to him? So he turned to drugs, and was on a suicidal path. You see he was very similar to me, he hadmanaged to get the stuff he needed to overdose and I had to spend six hours with the police mental health team. I managed to see him and get information from him to help him out (behind his back). The words “would you mind knocking on my flat mate’sdoor and making him aware that I’m dead please after today,thank you”

I couldn’t stop crying, that same weekend I found out that my friend took his own life due to being lonely and also HIV+ve and another guy I met for random fun spent the weekend with me andwe just cuddled and he said he was also on a mission to end hislife.

The epiphany came that day, if I did take my own life I wouldn’t have been around the next weekend to help him out, to help the other guy out would I? Yes I would still fall apart but the amazing thing is... and why it would take me another month to remember, I came home and found out that I had been offered my own apartment. After a year of being literally homeless and destitute, I finally have a beautiful flat in the most prime location in the city! All this happened after I came home from a long day of trying to convince someone that someone cares about them!

What the hell does this have to do with my article? Just remember that people do care, even if you are convinced that they don’t. We all watch TV and see romantic film fantasies about amazing acts of kindness and wonder when it will happen to us but open your eyes, and see that it’s right there in front of you! My older self hasreminded me that no matter how old I get, I have my own purpose. To help, to be there to offer a little bit more of myself if it means someone else gets the message and understands that life is worth living . Because when you are this amazing you will survive, but how you cover up those scars and wear them is going to be the most amazing, fabulous trend setting thing you ever do in your life!

Your scars are what are going to help shape your life and helpchange other people’s lives for the better. In short you don’t know you have anything to offer anyone until you realise you have your own life experience and that is a gift if you use it well. Believe me when I say that if I can get that message through my head after all this time, even despite my best efforts to destroy everything I have going for me, than so can you.

Moments

Let just say that I wrote out this and lost it all, one hour of perfection lost, and I'm sitting in a cafe crying about it! 

 

 The irony is, I was writing about making memories, and it was all a memory what I just wrote out! You have to laugh at these things don't you. So, how do I restart what I was saying? Well I guess you restart by saying this. It's my birthday week, and I don't think I've ever appreciated my life as much as I do now, or ever almost didn't make it to write this. I remembered this weekend, my purpose, and element about my personal personality that makes me, me. Something I lost along the way last year and so glad I found it again.

 

 Everyone has their own little thing, that they do throughout his or her own life that makes them happy. It could be going to the pub with friends, star gazing, walking along the beach, window shopping, setting ants on fire with a microfine glass, so cool but yet so crewl. Hey I was eight, don't judge! Mine is making moments so I can remember them, it's not as easy as you think, well maybe it is, as I can use what happened as an example! Sitting in a cafe slowly piecing together my thoughts, writing it out and only to delete it  after an hour of work! And laughing about it to a stranger next to me, it's the irony of it, that's what makes memories! That is what I forgot that I like to do, and that brings me back to why I feel so connected to my past right now, my mother says history repeats itself. 

 

 Right now it is for me, I've not been or felt like this since I was 20 years old. I lived on my own in shepherds bush, worked for bidup tv and for one year, I didn't have friends, I knew people but I lost all my connection with everyone. I felt lonely but I felt, or should have felt powerful! 

   I was working hard, exercised more, did my own thing, came home at what ever hour, never late for work, worked hard also, and should have appreciated the time of my life! I was single, as I am now, and in a similar situation. While sitting out in a canal street in Manchester, my day unfolded unexpectately, an old friend from London I was with, and strangers brought together in the sun, moving around the city with delight, laughing all the way through, and I realised that I made a moment, a memory that was like a past feeling, something that I've always said which was " When I die and close my eyes, I think back to all these memories I made and smile " it's why don't look at scary looking people, I don't want my brain to show me that thing in my last seconds of my life. 

  So, I'm single, struggling still, but I adore it, because this time 14 years ago, I thought it was bad and I was depressed, when I should be right now, and I could just say to my younger self, " snap out of it you fucking bitch! You don't know what depressed is, so appreciate what you have right now! " 

 Life's a beautiful struggle, and we have to smile! We have to remember what our past was, cos if your reading this right now, find the hope inside of you and say it's better now than it was. Cos if I don't, then if fear my last moments on this earth will be of regret, and yes I've not done all I wanted to do. But it's what I've done right now that matters, even if it's sitting here writing this to you! It's a moment I did something for myself, and I'm smiling. So shut the fuck up, look up and see what's around you, and appreciate. 

 Now I'm listening to " Shake It Out " by Florence + The Machine really suits writing all this.

The End.

20th April 2005 The Vampiric bite

This is the poem I wrote when I met my Ex Kenneth whom I contracted HIV from. Becautiful to this day I still cherish my words.

April 20th 2005

Could a prayer be answered in the form of exactly the way you have dreamt it?

 He stands tall with his eyes covered cos he could, shaded by the whatever glasses he could find. His posture  as if he was at attention, relaxed enough to hold some peace. His movements were slow & effortless, his expressions were that of painted glass, but yet he stood out.

My mind started to relax as my body took control. I sneered at this creature and imagined him as my pray. My bitter tongue filled with venom as I took my first bite. 

And he stood still, untainted by my attack, the sun shone bright and I rested. My soul moved forward, aware now that he posed no threat we spoke.

Nearer & nearer his scent became my air, and his eyes began to glare out through this dark rims. Blue green & red, were that of his faith, his eyes blinked a message only the hunted would know. Not yet scared, but accepted my faith our lips pressed, closer and closer together. 

And like a vampiric bite, my veins opened up, drained but yet replenished but how could this be? 

My emptiness and loneliness  was eradicated and replaced with comfort and existence, existence of passion, so much so, that theirs not enough words to explain the inner peace, happiness that exploded from within. Each cell was taken over invaded by this unknown feeling, manipulated to reproduce this wonder it was beginning to grow inside me.

 Could it be? Was he really my dream? Is he me?

First article written and wrote by myself

1, This Was the first article written about Me.
http://issuu.com/outnorthwest/docs/outnorthwest104/37

2, This is my first article I worte
http://issuu.com/outnorthwest/docs/outnorthwest106/35

3. SECOND ARTICLE
http://issuu.com/outnorthwest/docs/outnorthwest107/35

4. BEST ARTICLE
http://issuu.com/outnorthwest/docs/outnorthwest108/35

5.
http://issuu.com/outnorthwest/docs/outnorthwest110/21

6
http://issuu.com/outnorthwest/docs/outnorthwest111/21

7.
http://issuu.com/outnorthwest/docs/outnorthwest112/19

8.
http://issuu.com/outnorthwest/docs/outnorthwest113/21

Tea?

So I've made it! “Made it to what?” you say? My very first cafe, where others similar to myself sit with their tech devices, books, writing pads, pens, and are fashionably suited. What makes this so special? That I'm doing it on my own and I can definitely feel like I'm suited here. Allow me to explain.

All my childhood, I was told I was different and treated differently, and I don't mean in a special, happy kinda way. Because of that lack of acceptance, I never feel like I fit in. I was ushered into a state of mind where I can mimic my surroundings to blend in. The damage that caused was that I spent many years trying to fit in, and accomplishing the task but never finding my true comfortable place.

Well, I'm 90% there. Why 90%? Because its more positive than any other lower number. As much as I'm learning about myself, I am a work in progress, but comfort I seek. Inspiration is what I love!
So allow me to describe the opulence of my surrounds :))))

The cafe is located in the Northern Quarter of Manchester, the arty alternative retro side of Manchester, England, conveniently located three minutes' walk from my flat. It's a tearoom, with warm colours and red picnic furniture – the place calls your imagination in. The freshly baked desserts awaken your senses before your decision is made.

With my back against the wall, I look onto the clientele. A handsome man sits with what I hope not be his girlfriend, young students talk among themselves (their conversation shows values and pleasantries... until maybe a Friday night), a man sits next to me with his Apple computer and a couple of books... something similar could be said about a few sitting on their own working.
The music is jazz. Ahhh, music is important for atmospheric conditions – it sets your mind at ease and tells your soul it's OK to relax. So, we have warmth, we have smell, we have sight, and we have soul. Does that not simplify me?

I love the amount of natural wood that fills the room; it brings you literally down to earth as the voices of Dunah Washington & Belford Hendricks (Manhattan ) play (NOTE: I had to ask the kind waitress who it was, my fantasies are now a reality).

Here is a little pic to give you some idea

Life? where how when?

All my life, I have felt like I have been here before, and I have searched for what my purpose has been, why my suffering has continued, why it took place, why I have had to be alone. I, I, I. I no longer feel that alone, I do not feel like my suffering has been in vain, and I now know what my purpose is. Well, kind of. 

Recently an article in the Huffington Post in the USA was written about me. As a result, a young man in Australia found the courage to come out to everyone on Facebook. He's labelled me as someone inspirational. Then 24 hours later, another young man here in Manchester contacted me on Facebook to say that the piece I wrote in my column made him feel less alone. As I am PVTE about who's on my Facebook, I added him, pondering my decision. He messaged me to say thank you, and from his perspective, just knowing I was a message away gave him a peace of mind.

I, for once in my life, feel like I have a purpose. My mom always said that I had to be careful with my energy, as when I'm happy, everyone else is happy, and I would have to channel that to something greater than myself, and she's right. But as much I will do my best to carry on, I sometimes run into a wall, where my own emotions struggle – hey, I am human after all. Where do I find the inner strength to go forward? 

I am human, and I need affection and love to move forward. I am a gay man, with the emotional (and I believe biological) brain of both a woman and a man. I am a caring, nurturing soul, and therefore I require that back in return, and I'm slowly getting that.

My purpose in life is no longer small, and I will make sure it is not, as I am no good to anyone if I play stupid and insignificant. I'm slowly beginning to understand how to read life in a good way. You have to give in, and loosen up on control, in order to receive the beauty that might unfold. 

Listen, I know all too well that life's a bitch, but she's good to us when we least expect it. Now what of that? ( least expect it, could be expected more, without the least part? ) Wouldn't you want to live a bit more then?

I didn't want to write today! I find it hard, and I'm not physically well, but look, I feel good doing it. I feel like I don't want to eat that Crunchie bar sitting in my bedroom dresser drawer. I want to go to the gym, and I want to post this now so I can have a crumpet with butter instead! I'm not PERFECT! 

Tum tum wants food! Night xxx

Flight Departure

So I'm at the airport on my way back to sunny England (*cough*). I've not been so emotionalbefore! I took the cab ride back home yesterday with Mom . And something popped into my head, no matter what I think of cultures, I still ultimately love cultures that believe in family values. Sitting in my cab and many other of my friends vehicles for the past few weeks, each had something in common, a rosary for good lucky and safety, the Virgin Mary on the dash board a picture of some saint for safety.
You may think its crazy, but these are the people who believe, they believe in something, they would laugh and giggle greet you with a warm smile and with no doubt have values.
Simplicity, do you know how many moments I can remember, just sitting back and listening to my friends giggle away? pointless conversations among each other, cuddling up with one another and laughing? I miss it Sooo much.

And so I'm curled up now, with my shoes, off, sitting on a place in business, and as comfy as one could be. Fabulous!

Si mi amour tu tambien.