http://www.positivelite.com/component/zoo/item/patrick-ettenes-on-what-it-s-like-to-be-hiv-positive-dating-and-trying-to-find-love-along-the-way

Passion

Dear diary,

It’s been a weird yet wonderful few months. Having said that, if you were present I doubt you would agree, I can finally open up now to a challenge a reader gave to me which was, to discuss what it’s like to be HIV positive and dating and what it’s like to be in love and find love for myself since I’ve been positive.

This request is a hard one because over the years I’ve had some of the worst things done to me, by various boyfriends and partners. So having to write this down actually might be the hardest and longest challenge yet, brace yourself, you’re going to learn what love means to me, and as I write I’m glad you don’t have to see the tears that will surely follow from the memories that I now have to relive, but I promise you, it will be a worthwhile read.

In order to understand what it’s like to date being HIV positive you will have to understand how I think, and so you can see through my eyes.

Like many people I wasn’t a good looking child, I was fat and very camp I didn’t acknowledge the fact that I was a boy until I was 7 years old. I saw the world through the eyes of a woman, I didn’t see the world as a boy, I saw men as partners, as husbands, as companions.

On my second trip to New York City, sitting in a boat in Central park with my cousins on a beautiful sunny day, I noticed men for the first time as sexually desirable creatures. My eyes (and my mind’s eye) began to acknowledge that I was a man who was attracted to other men and the process of accepting my sexuality and my sexual orientation had begun. I now saw men and was aroused by their shape and presence, this began to feel right as I started to identify as a young gay man and I realised it as I was sitting in that boat .To this day, I can conjure up the image of the man running in blue shorts, sweating with protruding abdominals, and as I took a deep breath and looked down at myself, I thought no other gay man would fancy me unless I began to make myself more attractive.


On returning home I started to exercise, I went to the gym, I started swimming, I began to try to make myself attractive for a suitable partner. I wanted to be desirable. Thinking that I had the outlook of a woman and still relating to straight men and women’s relationships with men.

 Education was something I thought would help me in my attempts to find a suitable partner. I was really interested in the, arts, in language, I played the violin, I cooked, I knew my wines, I travelled and even though I was only 15 years old I was grooming myself for a mate.

This all seemed to change  when I moved to England, I did  somehow manage to land myself a gentleman, a fine suitor and a few others after that, but  my concepts of the words love and sex changed, I changed as I got older. I became what to some would describe as a hunter. Sex filled a void in my life that relationships couldn’t. I started to realise there was something becoming apparent to me that I wasn’t aware was being picked up by many other gay men I knew.

 My father once told me “ have fun with as many people as you want, but when you reach 30 settle down, by then you would know who you are and what type of ‘woman’ you want “ And when you make love to a woman don’t just fuck her, make love to her, treat her special. My father loved women, but he has spent 38 years devoted to my mother and they are still together. I adore my parents relationship, it’s built on trust, love respect, honesty and understanding. All qualities that are very important to me to this day. I still believe I look at men through the eyes of a woman, I nurture and I care as my mother once told me. Your father isn’t just my husband; he’s my best friend, my companion, my lover, my business partner.

 So here is the challenge, I’ve never been too shy to flirt with a guy or to make love to a guy. Each man I kiss, I kiss as if he was my own, I never get bored of exploring another individual, I was perfect boyfriend material and a fine suitor back in the day. But when I became HIV positive my pool of security opened out into an ocean and I didn’t feel pure anymore, my waters were polluted, toxic and I felt tainted, no longer loveable.

Because I was always blunt, I found security in opening up to someone directly about my status so that rejection would be swift, and here lies the fundamental point, Gay men don’t like to be rejected!

I, like many of us built up an empire of strength and confidence, but who would actually find me attractive if I  was HIV positive, I felt that that my swimming pool  had just gotten  smaller.  I was so wrong because it actually got bigger, and it of course it all depends on where you live. I moved from Barbados and Panama because I couldn’t find someone who would accept me or my positive status. For all of you who feel that you live in areas where your status is accepted, and don’t have the need to move away, here is my advice. Try it!

I live in Manchester, UK   where openly HIV positive guys are still not the norm, it has a psychological effect on you, you feel abnormal, but when I go to London, I could happily turn on Grindr and mention my status and still end up having coffee with someone .Just to have a coffee with someone who is nothing more than an acquaintance meant far more to me than the act of sex. It was being accepted, like the feeling of belonging, it was like coming out all over again.

There is a fine line behind finding love when you are positive and finding sex. Here is the tricky part. I’ve noticed that most positive guys have a different kind of sex, we are more expressive, we take more risks, but I noticed those risks or ‘kinky’ sex  may be a result of being  suppressed. We stick to our own kind rather than risk rejection with guys who aren’t positive for reasons of security. We are almost drawn into a life style that isn’t what we are used to because that’s where you will meet other guys; please note this is the perspective from where I live. Gay men are known for lots of recreational drug use and I’ve had partners that could only feel confident having sex with me when on substances, and they cheated.  I wasn’t a regular user, but many other guys were, sex was easier.  My boyfriend could fuck them without problems but couldn’t get an erection with me, horrible to think, but I felt  pity for him in the future when I look back now as it must have been horrible to date someone you loved and couldn’t make love to.  But you see I could and still wanted to.
 I didn’t need a drink or a substance to make love to him, I just had to look at him and I was aroused. And that’s the difference. I admire people, I watch people, the hunter inside of me analyses my date, I smile, I watch their reaction, I wait for that kiss, the first touch, the grin they give you when they realise you have something in common, the first kiss that releases ecstasy, that’s  a bigger and better  high than any drug  can replicate, its PASSION!

Sex and Love are different, so is finding your confidence with both. I had to look deep, to realize, confidence and acceptance is the key to you finding someone when you are positive. Being HIV is a personal issue, it affects you personally, so you should look at yourself and how you feel and identify what is important to you. At the end of the day, the guy in front of you doesn’t have to take your medication but you do, he’s not going to get but you most probably are, so you have be confident in your own skin to  make decisions about what you will and won’t  accept when you meet a guy.

If he doesn’t like you for being positive that’s fine, it’s a burden we have to accept, but I have had three partners that were negative, and they loved me so much my status didn’t bother them, and that’s because I wore my scars well.

Own your shit as they say. I cannot explain it all in more profound words, but I will try. When you became positive you don’t just loose a piece of yourself, you gain! You gain something personal. I rediscovered my passion, for life, for those I meet, for those who accepted me. And passion is what I am all about, open your eyes, and notice it, smell your life and FEEL it!

Because baby, if you don’t feel the passion that’s all around you, when you meet a guy he is not going to magically make you feel like everything is ok, but he will when he sees and feels your attraction to him and to who YOU ARE.

My sex life is amazing compared to when I was younger, but I’m still learning to find my full passion again, I did lose it as a result of my past relationship so I feel like I’m a beginner  all over again.

I met a lovely young man recently, and as I watch him talk about his struggles similar to my own, I saw his passion for life! It gave me a kick, and when I kissed him it was an endorphin rush  that I’ve not felt for many years, because I didn’t see someone who was positive I saw someone who loved to live, and reminded me of the young lad I was who loved life despite his HIV statues. That young lad still makes me smile to this day, as he doesn’t know how much he helped remind me that love of life, of being accepted was still possible.

To be hugged and accepted, to be kissed because someone wants to kiss you, to sweat in bed because of the attraction between you is what WE ALL deserve, so I found my one and true title for this article  ‘Passion’. It comes in many forms, but your status should be something you should be passionate about as it will help you find out more about who you really are, and who is right for you.

I would like to leave you with an entry from my diary, of when I met the partner who gave me HIV and who gave me a curse that saved my life and read for yourself how I saw the world.

Could a prayer be answered in the form of exactly the way you have dreamt it?

He stands tall with his eyes covered because he could, shaded by whatever glasses he could find.
His posture is as if he was at attention, relaxed enough to hold some peace.
His movements were slow & effortless, his expressions were that of painted glass, but yet he stood out.
My mind started to relax as my body took control. I sneered at this creature and imagined him as my pray.
My bitter tongue filled with venom as I took my first bite.
And he stood still, untainted by my attack, the sun shone bright and I rested. My soul moved forward, aware now that he posed no threat, we spoke.
Nearer & nearer his scent became my air, and his eyes began to glare out through this dark shades.
Blue, green & red, the colour of his faith, his eyes blinked a message only the hunted would know.
Not yet scared, but accepting my faith our lips pressed, closer and closer together.
And like a vampires bite, my veins opened up, drained but yet replenished but how could this be?
My emptiness and loneliness was eradicated and replaced with comfort and existence, existence of passion, so much so, that there are not enough words to explain the inner peace, happiness that exploded from within.
Each cell was taken over, invaded by this unknown feeling, manipulated to reproduce this wonder that was beginning to grow inside me.

 Could it be? Was he really my dream? Is he me?

I Am Brave

I AM BRAVE!

First of all I have to apologise for not being around for the holiday period. I knew Christmastime would be a really difficult time for me but it was made even more difficult than I was expecting by the sudden passing of my previous partner.  

I’m now nick- named the Black Widow , basically because it seems as  if I  have been  affecting the mental and physical beingof any male I happen to get close to.  I fell into a deep depression, unable to acknowledge anything or anyone for days and weeks. I felt it really wasn’t a good time to even discuss this with anyone, as I still cannot put a finger on it without feeling psychical sick.

So, I decided to put a period of time behind me and not forget, but maybe wait a little until I can gather my thoughts. Yes, there were some other interesting stories I could have written about but nonewere uplifting or encouraging, either for myself or for any of my readers. I felt, and I noticed a pattern, my work was becoming a little negative.

Now I believe that none of us wants to have to pick up the vibes of a disgruntled human bleeding on and on about his own life with yet more tales of woe, so I waited (like the spider in the web), waiting for something to shake my emotions and remind me there is more to life than sad, depressing stories.

So at the start of January, on a cold winter day I was on one of my Social Media sites, pottering around when someone messaged me. It was a health official in Thailand who had come across my profile and decided to ask me a few questions about my experiences of HIV.

You see, in my Scruff profile, I have said ‘Trying out a new idea for online help, so any of you who are positive, or worried about your sexual health get in touch. 

’

Now I have to first of all thank Scruff, because that’s how I managed to get a column to speak to you guys. Someone found me on here and liked my work and forwarded it on to the guy who is now my Editor here at PositiveLite.com

Previously, I was also found on here by Marten Weber who posted two of my articles in the Huffington post. Can you believe it? It seems that Scruff has had a real positive affect on my life and my ‘career’.

After such positive responses and recognition I thought that I would wait for another good sign that my value and worth was still being noticed by the Gods above (or whoever moves things around in the universe, so it affects us down here). So while I’m lying on my bed, a message from Thailand appears.

The guy was a little down in the dumps and asked me what sort of help I could offer to him regarding his own HIV positive status. I quickly understood that within the Thai culture being HIV positive isn’t accepted and ridicule, dismissal and prejudice within the health industry could make you very scared and feel very alone.

To save some time I asked him to read up on some of my previously published articles. After sometime the gentleman returned with a reply I didn’t expect.

He said that I was ‘Brave’. Now , brave, isn’t a word I would use to describe myself at the moment, (more like battered, scarred,lost and messed up) but it was really nice to see that didn’t come across through my work!. To this guy was brave for coming out and brave for speaking about my HIV and the issues that have come along with it, the good the bad and of course the ugly. 

This was really encouraging for me to hear and I soon realised that my spirits were beginning to lift. As you all know, I have a new apartment, and with that comes the joy of trying to decide what colour, wallpaper, pillows etc. extending a ‘theme’ throughout the whole place. It took me about three weeks to pick out wallpaperand three months to finally pick out a colour, one month to choose a bed. As you can see I’m a bit fussy ( or meticulous) and that is down to the fact of having many multiple personalities, don’t laugh now being born under the sign of Gemini means I have real talent! 

Now the discussion with my Thai acquaintance slowly moved towards design, I wanted my apartment to be a holistic home, to embody my culture, Hindu and Buddhism. Oddly enough I had been looking at some beautiful art work from Thailand, painting, statues all of which were beautiful and I could so see them fittingin my new home really well.

I’ve done quite a bit of traveling in my time, but this is the first place that I can truly call my own. The gentleman asked me what countries I liked, and I complimented his culture, the food, the people, the art I had seen and the overall beauty I found inThailand. What happened next I could never have foreseen.

He offered to pick a painting out, and have it sent all the way from Thailand to me, here in Manchester, UK.  I was completely takenaback as I couldn’t have ever imagined someone would ever do something like that for me. So in a few weeks the painting willfinally be on its way.

The guy asked if I would please accept this gift as a thank you for all the work that I have done.  For all the ‘Brave' things I have published, as a thank you.  Still in shock, I asked why, and his words were. ‘It’s about time you get something back for helping others ‘

You see, I love my writing, I love what it does for me, but I cried so much, little did he know, because never in my life has someone from so far afield expressed such appreciation to me and sent a gift of any kind to say or show their gratitude. Well, who would expect it? I’m a sentimental creature, and after previous issues in my life I’m more fragile now than I have ever been, so this act of kindness just made me cry. It’s not every day that someone you don’t know sends you something from so far away as a token of their appreciation.

When I asked again why the gentleman was sending me such a gift mean the postage alone would be a small fortune he told that he had 

received a gift from someone that thought he was doing a good thing, so he wanted to share it with me.

Remember the film ‘Pass It On’? A young kid did an act of kindness and so someone else passed it forward to someone else? And it got me thinking. 

My parents are always right, a good deed done for someone else might be returned in a form of Karma, give something good out to the world and the world will give something back. Yes I’m aware that not everything seems so bright, but you have to look for and believe that what you do can good. 

The more that someone saw good in what I did, the more I remembered what I did was for a good reason and encouragement and support can come from the most unlikely places in life. Butyou must be open to receive it. You would never have known that I’ve been scared to death to go into the clinic for a few monthsnow, I’m due for a biopsy and an ultra sound on my liver as my previous meds caused some damage and there are a few things I’ve noticed on my body that are just not right. Unfortunately we know there can be a link between HIV and some cancers, when you are HIV Positive we all need to be aware of these things. Not alarmed or frightened, but aware and we have to get things checked out.

I’m saying this for good reason, what would happen if I got some bad news? Would I fall apart, would my love/ hate relationshipwith being able to talk about my HIV status increase? No I don’t believe that. Because I found my support, and it comes from the most unlikely place. Being HIV+ isn’t easy, it is a work in progress as we all know. When someone tells me ‘it’s OK’ and ‘I’m fine’, I really want to believe that they are and good on them. But for those like myself and others who I know face depressionand other life changes and illness I know there is regret.

I never knew four years ago, what I wanted to do with my life, and now you are here reading my work, and I have been told from people around the world that I AM BRAVE!

What I’m trying to say is, this is my support, knowing that maybe just one of you can read this and it may just help in some small way

.

So, look around you, don’t dismiss the guy next to you, or woman, smile and say hi. Speak to the man on Grindr that you don’t fancy and have a chat, because you might find out that you have something in common, encourage someone you don’t know, because maybe like this kind from Thailand, you could do for that person what I did for them. Supported them in a way that you didn’t know you could.

We are all human; we are still all family are we not? The world’s getting colder, help to warm it up a little.

They Taught me to survive, Still!

They Taught Me to Survive

The journey to find the inspiration for this article has been a deep one.

Looking in to my past I’ve dug deep into my archives and came across an article I wrote discussing how much my family meant to me.

The story behind this piece was an interesting one, I was asked to write a piece about ‘Heroes’, basically to tie-in with the commemoration of a group of people that did something wonderful over in the UK. But being the rude bitch that I am I responded that these people did nothing for me, and I cannot write about people that I don’t know about and couldn’t care less about and anyway did nothing to change my life back home in Barbados.

‘

On that note I did say give me about 10 minutes and I’ll think of something else!

So I went into a corner and thought; who are my heroes?  Who do I look up to? And then it hit me, my mom and dad.

Now it’s a while since I wrote the article so I’m adding to my original thoughts, so make yourself comfortable while I start to dig into the farthest reaches of my memory bank.

I recently told you all that I’ve been recovering from just over a year of really bad events. However I’ve just received my own flat and my life looks like it’s on the up. I’ve started dating someone who is a good influence on me and all in all people would look and think fantastic, perfect! What more do you want?

Well, even I thought the same. But then why has it taken me two days to get out of bed, why was I showing signs of having another break down? Around this time last year I was recovering from a full physical breakdown, went to bed and woke up a different person. I couldn’t, talk, walk, or do anything. I was hunched up in a corner dribbling. To be honest, that’s when I needed round-the-clock care because to be honest with you I would have ended it allthen and there if I didn’t think I would get better. I was absolutely contorted. Everything felt like it was being ripped from me. I had zero confidence, it was horrible and I don’t want to revisit those feelings or that time but I was recently worried that I might be going back there again. But why? Why with all these good thingsgoing on in my life, why was I showing massive cracks?

And this is why this article is so hard to write. Because if I go over it again I will start to breakdown. When I look out of the window of my apartment and see the world where I live, I see peopledriving by or walking with their families, planes in the sky, the train that passes on that beautiful bridge not too far from my apartment, I’m constantly reminded that everyone here has family, and I don’t.

I went home last year, after my break down, the last time Iactually hugged my mom and dad, the last time they saw their son,and well it was actually a shell of their baby boy broken, bruised and battered. Times have moved on and yes I’m nearly back to being my former but better self. But that’s only through contact with my folks via Face time and Facebook.

I’ve had to hug myself and repair myself, without their company, their support or their comfort. When you come from such a close loving family like mine, all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and you have been fighting to survive on your own in a different country, you will understand how important it is that you don’t fall into the trap that I have. These are my top two tips:

1)

Don’t Forget Who You Are

Or forget where you have come from. Events in your life can change you for the worst, but you try to hang on to the good memories of the past so tightly, that you scrape at the foot of the grave fighting to come out happy and positive in the end. The deep truth is, you will never be the same person again, and it’s just trying to find how the events that are happening to you now, nomatter how bad, can be used to help you in a good way, sometime in some way.

2)

Don’t Go Without A Hug

To go so long without a hug from those who really understand you and love you is just awful. So let yourself be held but by someone close, your mom, dad, aunt or uncle, cousin or brother, niece of nephew. Or by anyone who has ever cared for you whatever family you have biological or otherwise. When you get that hug for that brief moment it reminds you that everything can be ok. You will be safe and brought back to that place where you were cared for. And you don’t just have to look at a picture of them on the wall constantly to remind yourself that you aren’t alone, you are by yourself, they are just an email or phone call away. But that lack of physical contact doesn’t let you get off so easily. It’s justnot the same.

Back In the Room

So, that’s when I realised right now in this moment reading that article from the past about my family being my heroes and having to write about it that is what is affecting me and hard. Now yes this forum is about HIV and how all this ties into it instead of a really deep look into my own emotional state. But it all boils down to my family for me. My family where there for me when I became positive, the words from my parents echo through my head whenever someone tells me they aren’t going to tell their mom and dad : “ If you never told me you were positive Italo ( my other name which I’m actually called by ) I would have been very upset, because no matter what happens in your life, we are your parents and we love you, you not telling us this would feel like you didn’t love us or thought that we didn’t love you “

.

This is why family is such an important part of all this. Whoever you consider to be your family. If my HIV is detectable at the moment, it’s because I stopped taking my medication. One of the side effects of my meds was being depressed; I cannot even be bothered to pop a pill that keeps me alive sometimes. In my head so much is going on that I have to control it all as it becomes overwhelming at times.

So sharing my thoughts with you now is very personal to me.Whoever reads this please.  try to understand your own situation.Look around you and find the person that means the most to you, who is closest to you, and hug them. Do it as soon as you can because one day, when the shit hits the fan and they aren’t around, you’ll realise how important they are. My mom is the one that taught me what HIV was, as I had no idea what I had contracted, and she told me about my medication, she educated her son about a disease that has killed so many. She knew her baby boy will have a hard life and made sure I took my meds each day. When I was ill, they held me.

Now if I feel that I cannot be bothered to take my own meds, I have to look at their picture to get the strength. And yes I still Iwonder what my life would be like right now if  I didn’t have HIV but I cannot ponder too long on that one, as I just have to deal with the way it is played out right now. So what you are waiting for…go and hug your Hero today.

Manchester cathedral Church Speech

Patrick Ettenes

When I was a child I had a good upbringing, needless to say. I came from a good family, whom still to this day are all I have.

But living on an island like Barbados that is very religious but feltvery homophobic to me and being a child that couldn't accept the fact I was a boy until about 5 or 6 years old you could only imagine the ridicule that my family had to go through.

Not being one to boast but my family were the first people to own a security company on the island at the time which was run by the butchest man that I know, my dear and loving father.

So you could only imagine having a gay child was difficult, myparents were told that I was gay before, I could even spell it.

As time went on, the trauma of living on that island and what took place, made me not believe in God. I didn't understand how a happy kid could be tortured so much by people who prayed.

I do remember the first time I prayed, it was the day I was diagnosed with HIV, I sat in the waiting room before the results came, and I asked The Lord not to take away the virus but to give me strength. My mother always said to me, to give thanks before you go to bed, because there is more to life than just you.

I have seen my fair share of anomalies and a few things that I cannot explain, and for those that say prayer doesn't work, let me explain this.

I'm still here standing in front of you today, because I pray.

I prayed to God that day for the strength. He gave me heart, and he gave me talent, that my pain and suffering would not go unheard and that my experiences would be heard by others. God made me realise that everything I pray for does come true but perhaps not in the way I could imagine.

I asked recently to survive. I've been through a lot last year, and a lot of people didn't think I would have made it. One day while trying to convince someone else that it was worth their while staying alive, I walked back to the hostel where I was staying, and cheekily asked The Lord, what he would do to thank me for helping this kid who I had just talked out of committing suicide and I as I walked into the premises I was told on arrival that I had been given a flat of my own.

So you see, no matter what back ground you are from, or what faith you follow, if any, he or she or the universe has the answers to it all!

If you believe there's something there, you will survive whatever life throws at you.

Now I’m going to say a prayer to get a job so we’ll see what happens and then I hope I can really make a difference.

Still dealing with it!

Still ‘Dealing with It!’

Well ladies and gentleman, after a long anticipated wait I am back!

Let me first say, when your mom or dad says a lot can happen to you in a month, trust those very words, because a month can go by so fast or it can be the longest and most interesting time of your life. Who for 1000 points would like to guess which direction mine went?

Yes to the gentleman in the corner, you are right it was! It was thelongest and most exciting month of my life, But! Not without some issues. So let’s elaborate!

I’m re-publishing one of my earlier articles ‘Deal with it!’ The reason being that this article actually saved someone’s life while they were in the waiting room of a sexual health clinic after beingtold they were HIV positive. The guy was planning on killing himself when he looked down at a magazine on a coffee table and saw my page, apparently my words deterred his plot and he went out of his way to thank me.  So why is this article important to me? Well this last month it was the 10 year anniversary of mefinding out I was HIV+ve on August 17th 2004.

No, I didn’t have a good time with it, because it’s still sentimentally a hard time for me. When your boyfriend isn’t there in the morning next to you after telling you the previous day  that he is HIV+ve and from that day on not one partner or boyfriend was there to support you things get hard (and not in a sexy way).  

The human brain remembers significant events which are triggered by numerous things,

smell, sight, touch, hearing, and even dates.  Believe it or not since I wrote that article every year I realise this and I tend to fall apart around this time.  I get depressed, If I’m not working I amself-destructive, I miss my family I cannot explain it, it’s just there. A reminder that my life although it’s not that bad it still is a struggle. I don’t have that guy to cuddle, to wake up to and say“hey babes, I’m here for you”  and to be honest, sometimes there is a good reason he hasn’t been. So for those of you that do have someone special don’t take him or her for granted! You are muchenvied and you have a luxury that many of us don’t have!

So with my slow self -destruction on its way I braced myself, andsaid to myself like I always do, “ The universe will give me a reason to write soon enough. “ You know what? He, she, it, them, the powers that be or just by mere coincidence it all fell into my lap!

I have lived with this virus for 10 years, and when I read back my own words it brings comfort to me now. I wrote “you will never be the same person, and you will find the reason to go on, and if you ACCEPT that, you have changed “and the part where I mention you will never be the same person again, is true.

I still wish my boyfriend was here next to me in the morning, I wish he was still alive today. I wonder how my life would have been if I did have support and a cuddle from whom ever around my anniversary day. I know I’m sentimental but as I had my break down I took control but not in a good way started spiralling down and down, drugs awoke the infatuation for the ever so endless desire for sex. Self- harm was on my mind and all I wanted was a purpose, why am I still here? Why do I write all this in the hope that it will help others when I don’t have someone there for me?

And then it hit me. One morning when I was recovering I receiveda text from a young guy who I had previously I met and spent time with for his birthday, he was alone, so it was the nice thing to do.We never met again. He messaged me asking for narcotics, not the delightful party ones, and coming from an individual like him itwas quite shocking. To cut a long story short, this young guy hadcontracted HIV, was crying out for help in a new town, he felt lonely, why had this happened to him? So he turned to drugs, and was on a suicidal path. You see he was very similar to me, he hadmanaged to get the stuff he needed to overdose and I had to spend six hours with the police mental health team. I managed to see him and get information from him to help him out (behind his back). The words “would you mind knocking on my flat mate’sdoor and making him aware that I’m dead please after today,thank you”

I couldn’t stop crying, that same weekend I found out that my friend took his own life due to being lonely and also HIV+ve and another guy I met for random fun spent the weekend with me andwe just cuddled and he said he was also on a mission to end hislife.

The epiphany came that day, if I did take my own life I wouldn’t have been around the next weekend to help him out, to help the other guy out would I? Yes I would still fall apart but the amazing thing is... and why it would take me another month to remember, I came home and found out that I had been offered my own apartment. After a year of being literally homeless and destitute, I finally have a beautiful flat in the most prime location in the city! All this happened after I came home from a long day of trying to convince someone that someone cares about them!

What the hell does this have to do with my article? Just remember that people do care, even if you are convinced that they don’t. We all watch TV and see romantic film fantasies about amazing acts of kindness and wonder when it will happen to us but open your eyes, and see that it’s right there in front of you! My older self hasreminded me that no matter how old I get, I have my own purpose. To help, to be there to offer a little bit more of myself if it means someone else gets the message and understands that life is worth living . Because when you are this amazing you will survive, but how you cover up those scars and wear them is going to be the most amazing, fabulous trend setting thing you ever do in your life!

Your scars are what are going to help shape your life and helpchange other people’s lives for the better. In short you don’t know you have anything to offer anyone until you realise you have your own life experience and that is a gift if you use it well. Believe me when I say that if I can get that message through my head after all this time, even despite my best efforts to destroy everything I have going for me, than so can you.

Moments

Let just say that I wrote out this and lost it all, one hour of perfection lost, and I'm sitting in a cafe crying about it! 

 

 The irony is, I was writing about making memories, and it was all a memory what I just wrote out! You have to laugh at these things don't you. So, how do I restart what I was saying? Well I guess you restart by saying this. It's my birthday week, and I don't think I've ever appreciated my life as much as I do now, or ever almost didn't make it to write this. I remembered this weekend, my purpose, and element about my personal personality that makes me, me. Something I lost along the way last year and so glad I found it again.

 

 Everyone has their own little thing, that they do throughout his or her own life that makes them happy. It could be going to the pub with friends, star gazing, walking along the beach, window shopping, setting ants on fire with a microfine glass, so cool but yet so crewl. Hey I was eight, don't judge! Mine is making moments so I can remember them, it's not as easy as you think, well maybe it is, as I can use what happened as an example! Sitting in a cafe slowly piecing together my thoughts, writing it out and only to delete it  after an hour of work! And laughing about it to a stranger next to me, it's the irony of it, that's what makes memories! That is what I forgot that I like to do, and that brings me back to why I feel so connected to my past right now, my mother says history repeats itself. 

 

 Right now it is for me, I've not been or felt like this since I was 20 years old. I lived on my own in shepherds bush, worked for bidup tv and for one year, I didn't have friends, I knew people but I lost all my connection with everyone. I felt lonely but I felt, or should have felt powerful! 

   I was working hard, exercised more, did my own thing, came home at what ever hour, never late for work, worked hard also, and should have appreciated the time of my life! I was single, as I am now, and in a similar situation. While sitting out in a canal street in Manchester, my day unfolded unexpectately, an old friend from London I was with, and strangers brought together in the sun, moving around the city with delight, laughing all the way through, and I realised that I made a moment, a memory that was like a past feeling, something that I've always said which was " When I die and close my eyes, I think back to all these memories I made and smile " it's why don't look at scary looking people, I don't want my brain to show me that thing in my last seconds of my life. 

  So, I'm single, struggling still, but I adore it, because this time 14 years ago, I thought it was bad and I was depressed, when I should be right now, and I could just say to my younger self, " snap out of it you fucking bitch! You don't know what depressed is, so appreciate what you have right now! " 

 Life's a beautiful struggle, and we have to smile! We have to remember what our past was, cos if your reading this right now, find the hope inside of you and say it's better now than it was. Cos if I don't, then if fear my last moments on this earth will be of regret, and yes I've not done all I wanted to do. But it's what I've done right now that matters, even if it's sitting here writing this to you! It's a moment I did something for myself, and I'm smiling. So shut the fuck up, look up and see what's around you, and appreciate. 

 Now I'm listening to " Shake It Out " by Florence + The Machine really suits writing all this.

The End.